UGH! For the first time in a long time I had my ass handed to me today. Went for a mountain bike ride in the surrounding hills with a buddy and couldn't hang! I literally fell out breathing heavy and dizzy.......What the?? Me???
Okay maybe it was the two meals a day and no P.T. for 2 months. Maybe it was the Ice Cream diet I have taken up, or maybe the 30 hrs without sleep and drinking only coffee for the last 22 hrs. Non of that matters though. What really maters is I have to get off my ass and Hand my buddy his ASAP! Peace!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
This is a Picture my wife carried in her day planers and wallets from the time it was take. 19 years ago 2 delirious and happy people fell in love and Married. Now as I sit across the room from her I see the same lovely face I kissed on my wedding day. Earlier as I watched her crouch like a cat to sneak up on our dog I thought of how much I love her alive, playful side. Last night as she slept our feet touched and I thought of how easy it is to melt into her and get lost in her. Today she again mentioned that she needs to enroll in her next class and I felt proud of how she has pursued her goals and continues to grow. Last week as she received confirmation on her bib for the Army ten mile run in Washington D.C. I was happy that she was able to chase down yet another goal. The reason I was smiling in that picture 19 years ago, was not because I was happy about what was going on around me. It was because in her arms I feel joy, strength, love, courage, dreams coming true and mostly I feel safe. I fell in love with J the day we met for lunch and have loved her every day sense. Today she is as beautiful as the day I met her. In her arms I still melt. Happy 18th of August J, I Love You.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Just an absolutly enjoyable day
Well for some reason we thought it would be great to take leave and go on a big trip this summer. So I took 4 days leave over this past week, combined with the 4 day weekend. Then we realized that big trips cost big bucks and the truck need new tires N's teeth need allot of work, A's braces are still being paid for, J and I are needing book money and gas is out of the roof!
So we just settled with relaxing at home and doing day trips. So on a Wednesday we headed to Sea World. I figured it would be a 1 day place with not much to do but a good distraction for the week. How wrong I was! I had a great time, being with my wife and enjoying my childhood with my kids. The best moment was when we all were on the big tube ride floating down the shoots and I was funning with J about the last theme park ride we were all on (the Tower of Terror at Disney). As I was funning we approached the water fall and the tube spun so that N and I went directly under the water fall. It was too funny. J and A came through virtually un-touched but N and I were soaked! The sharks were great and the dolphins were by far the best creatures to see. J and I walked the kids into the ground and they begged to go home at 1700. All in all, a great day.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday Blue Sky
Happy Sunday! This morning the wind was at a low 3 MPH from the North, North East; Perfect! With the wind in this direction the airstrip is towards the field instead of the tall fence. hat is always a plus. Then to top it off my wife and the dogs came to enjoy the flight with me. I was very happy to have someone to share my enjoyment with. The first taxi and take off was awesome. The engine buzzed smooth and loud and the plane picked up to take off speed faster then I had expected. Exhilarating is the word that comes to mind. I almost drove the Raptor nose first into the dirt and at one moment I though I had turned it around to come back but because it was so far away I didn't notice it had done a 360. So as I turned right it would go further left so instinct was to turn more. luckily it came to me that since that course was not working to try the opposite. Often the normal reaction is to just keep pushing hard and you crash with a sudden quiet. I owe the fast thinking to good hand eye coordination and that cup of orange juice I had earlier. The first landing took two tries but the second attempt was picture perfect. The second flight was going smooth till, while banking over the soccer field the nose cone flew off and the propeller started to Free spin. After a hair raising emergency landing the plane once again skid off the runway into the weeds. This broke the landing gear free on the front end. Back to the hanger for repairs. All I can say is 'If you have reservations to fly through Antny Air, then I would really think about your choices'.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Air Time
3.....2....1, That is usually the numbers you hear before a take off. In this case though it is the numbers representing the flight attempts of the Raptor 22 Remote control plane I received for Christmas....... 3 attempts, 2 take offs and 1 successful landing.
This is how my first RC flight attempts went. I finally, after months of putting it off purchased the last part needed that till now was keeping me grounded, the glow plug adaptor that heats the plug to start the engine. With this piece of the puzzle in hand there was no reason not to attempt what the wright brothers achieved years ago. I was to achieve flight. So after checking the weather on Sunday I decided if the winds were right that Monday morning would be the big day. Then my mother called and for ten minutes talked about how how the Family flights had gone in the past and how likely it would be that the plane would suffer great damages the first time I fly. So then the evil fear crept in. My 550$ plane was too nice to just fly into the dirt.
Well you only live once right? So this morning I went to the runway (the back lot of the high school). I prep the plane, did the flight checks blessed it and kissed it goodbye. Then with the sound and smell of two stroke it came to life. I had decided the runway flight path was safer if I went with the wind because of fewer obstacles at the end of the runway, (I know a cardinal sin for flight). Well low and behold there is a reason we fly into the wind. The plane could not get enough lift and I crashed it into the weeds at the end of the runway. So 1 attempt.
After some repairs, (thanks to the packing tape in the cabinet). I decided to go at it again. This time though against the wind even though the end of the runway ends with an eight foot fence. As the plane sped it began to lift into the sky and then I saw the wires. Two telephone wires were directly in my flight path......CRAP! At risk of stalling I pulled up and the plane labored into the sky. Clear of the wires we were safe and sound, but like all things....what goes up must come down. Landing against the wind I miss judged the runway angle and the plane slid of the edge of the runway and into the weeds. I dreaded the worst but found the plan was no worse for the wear. 2 attempts and 1 take off. SOOOO......Why not try again right.
This time I compiled all the data gained from the first two attempts and mustered up my nerve. Now at risk was, pride and plane. The flight was rough. I almost stalled and then just before colliding into the hillside I was able to wobble it up and into the air it went. 10 minutes went by in a blink and it was landing time... After adjusting the landing path to not slide of the edge we began the decent. All was well till the breeze picked up and rocked the 4 footer hard. Abort! Abort! Full throttle and lift we escaped with our skins. On the next attempt the wind was steady and the landing was only slightly bouncy. After taxing to the truck I exhaled. That was 3 attempts, 2 take offs and yes, 1 successful landing. WooHoo! I am hooked!!
This is how my first RC flight attempts went. I finally, after months of putting it off purchased the last part needed that till now was keeping me grounded, the glow plug adaptor that heats the plug to start the engine. With this piece of the puzzle in hand there was no reason not to attempt what the wright brothers achieved years ago. I was to achieve flight. So after checking the weather on Sunday I decided if the winds were right that Monday morning would be the big day. Then my mother called and for ten minutes talked about how how the Family flights had gone in the past and how likely it would be that the plane would suffer great damages the first time I fly. So then the evil fear crept in. My 550$ plane was too nice to just fly into the dirt.
Well you only live once right? So this morning I went to the runway (the back lot of the high school). I prep the plane, did the flight checks blessed it and kissed it goodbye. Then with the sound and smell of two stroke it came to life. I had decided the runway flight path was safer if I went with the wind because of fewer obstacles at the end of the runway, (I know a cardinal sin for flight). Well low and behold there is a reason we fly into the wind. The plane could not get enough lift and I crashed it into the weeds at the end of the runway. So 1 attempt.
After some repairs, (thanks to the packing tape in the cabinet). I decided to go at it again. This time though against the wind even though the end of the runway ends with an eight foot fence. As the plane sped it began to lift into the sky and then I saw the wires. Two telephone wires were directly in my flight path......CRAP! At risk of stalling I pulled up and the plane labored into the sky. Clear of the wires we were safe and sound, but like all things....what goes up must come down. Landing against the wind I miss judged the runway angle and the plane slid of the edge of the runway and into the weeds. I dreaded the worst but found the plan was no worse for the wear. 2 attempts and 1 take off. SOOOO......Why not try again right.
This time I compiled all the data gained from the first two attempts and mustered up my nerve. Now at risk was, pride and plane. The flight was rough. I almost stalled and then just before colliding into the hillside I was able to wobble it up and into the air it went. 10 minutes went by in a blink and it was landing time... After adjusting the landing path to not slide of the edge we began the decent. All was well till the breeze picked up and rocked the 4 footer hard. Abort! Abort! Full throttle and lift we escaped with our skins. On the next attempt the wind was steady and the landing was only slightly bouncy. After taxing to the truck I exhaled. That was 3 attempts, 2 take offs and yes, 1 successful landing. WooHoo! I am hooked!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
What I like about mornings
When the sun starts to crest two choices are about to happen. The dogs are going to choose to sleep or they are going to choose to be obnoxious. Today between the shifting at the foot of the bed by D. and the cleaning of himself by B., choice number two was made.
Yesterday was different. Yesterday was the sunrise I love. When everything seems to go well and you both can just lay there. At some point in time I got up made our coffee and then J said she didn't want to get up yet so we both went back to just BEing.
Today not so. So Mow the lawn, edge, make sure D, doesn't eat our shoes,plants,rugs, and cat. I want to go the grocery store to buy the goods for the Creme Brulee recipe M. explained on mothers day. We need a dog door of some type out back but have not decided which way to go so today I want to go to Home Depot and get a screen that I can modify to have a dog flap in it.
That's about it for my Sunday then its back to the real job on Monday.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Bronze Star
Bronze Star
If you know me and consider yourself a friend then you will cringe while reading this one. If you are already cringing from the title then you are probably of my closer inner circle of friends and can move on because you already know the rant about to ensue.
Lets face it I am more civilian then military by many years. Having served 4 years active duty some 2 decades ago, I have many more years in the real world then in bizarre land (the Army). When J. and I discussed coming into the regular army so I could serve in Iraq one of us new virtually in total how difficult it would be. (Hint-it wasn’t J.) I came back into this Army with my eyes wide open. There was no fantasy of great honor, valor, heroism, no marching bands or glory, just a simple mans need to give back to his country, his land, his freedom, and to justify his years and years of grand life. I knew Iraq would be painfully lonely for me because I have grown so deeply attached to J. and I absolutely love being my children’s Dad. I knew I would be very frightened at times and that courage for me is more of a stubborn resistance against failure or feeling weak then about bravery and charging head on into danger. I knew that my idea of honor was mine alone and that each mans honor was based on his own beliefs.
So, head on into the shit storm I started, and as I arrived at Fort Hood in route to Iraq my belief in honor amongst soldiers was shattered. Betrayed by my own foolish beliefs of what a man must be to become of great position in the military and betrayed by being one of the most gullible saps you will ever meet(luckily some things can change). With a great amount of my strength of purpose missing I lowered my head, leaned forward, swallowed the pieces of my heart and deployed. Iraq was all I thought it would be. 3 months into deployment on December 26th 2006 the Monkey that I had been carrying on my back for 25 years (I developed my priority list when I was 16) was blown free via an IED strike on my vehicle. As I turned to see my gunner gone limp in his gunners’ seat I feared the worst. At that very moment, at that split second, you could have stopped all the madness going on around me and given me my ticket home. I would have been totally satisfied with my involvement in the war and my debt to my country. But alas, there were 12 more months of hair raising, butt hole tightening road trips through the hell holes of Iraq. I have stated before that a grunts most developed muscle while serving in Iraq is his butt hole. This occurs from tightening it up every time you pass a pile of ruble enter a rotary or kick in a door.
During Iraq my platoon of daring, strong men served with great courage. My gunner had nerves of steel and was quick to PID and fire. He is a man that would charge into battle every day. My driver was on his second tour, experienced and a quick wit. Like an old hunter he could sense the pray and knew of impeding danger. He is an amazing warrior. My dismounts were men of steel nerve. These were men that would leave the relative safety of the armored HMMV and stride into the open, placing themselves between the threat and our LTC. Our LTC was a great leader, a great tactician with huge balls, limited common sense and an inability to relate with the enlisted ranks; and even though they could not connect with this man they would protect him with their lives daily. The men of the Gunfighters Platoon were far more physical and courageous then any group of men I have ever met.
Often in our vehicles we would provide space for guest riders whose butt holes were still under developed. These were men whose turd would still taper at the end. Not like the Soldiers that went out daily, no their but hole was developed, hardened over thousands of repetitions, cringing over and over preparing for the Boom or lethal round that would change their life forever. The men that rolled out daily could cut a turd with the precision of a guillotine. Our guest would put on their man face, hope in the back and ride around while the NCO’s and lower enlisted would do what they did every day like it was a drive to the mall. Most of our guest riders worked in the office daily, developing their careers, fat stomachs or pectorals at the gym in between creating stellar power point presentations.
Here are the meat and potatoes of the story: The last week in Iraq our Battalion was handing out awards like little league after the last game of the year. The most memorable of events for me was held in front of the chapel were less then two months ago I had mourned the loss of two great men. We lost them in an IED strike that was devastatingly accurate. That day the surviving soldiers of that mission made split second decisions in the way you would expect of professional soldiers of honor and courage to do. So as we stood in that awards formation I took note that the front row had been filled with one after the other of the under developed butt hole type. Some of them shifting left to right as if they knew that being placed in the front of the formation that day were so very wrong. Amongst them were some that stood strait and had earned the right to be there and to those men I give no discredit, but as I looked at the backs of the front two rows I noticed the ranks were steeped with every officer in the unit and very, very, very much lacking in enlisted. I felt once again betrayed by what I had believed a man had to be to become of great rank in the military. As my unit awarded officer one after the other with the Bronze Star I raged inside. With military bearing I stood at attention knowing that the men to my left and right and I myself, who had lead soldiers into battle, saved lives and killed the enemy, were looking at the backs of underdeveloped butt holes receiving the Bronze Star. If you are one of the under developed butt holes that allowed yourself to be pinned without speaking up for the brave soldiers that lead men into battle while carting you around in the back seat, You know who you are and what you are about. To all of the other officers that lead myself and other Soldiers into battle with honor and courage, I am forever in debt to you, and I hold you in great regard with a brother’s love. The rest of you while standing in your flashy dress blues with your ill gained trinkets can stick your Bronze Star in your under developed taper factory!
P.S. to the men who delivered pies, you will always be my brothers. GUNFIGHTERS!
If you know me and consider yourself a friend then you will cringe while reading this one. If you are already cringing from the title then you are probably of my closer inner circle of friends and can move on because you already know the rant about to ensue.
Lets face it I am more civilian then military by many years. Having served 4 years active duty some 2 decades ago, I have many more years in the real world then in bizarre land (the Army). When J. and I discussed coming into the regular army so I could serve in Iraq one of us new virtually in total how difficult it would be. (Hint-it wasn’t J.) I came back into this Army with my eyes wide open. There was no fantasy of great honor, valor, heroism, no marching bands or glory, just a simple mans need to give back to his country, his land, his freedom, and to justify his years and years of grand life. I knew Iraq would be painfully lonely for me because I have grown so deeply attached to J. and I absolutely love being my children’s Dad. I knew I would be very frightened at times and that courage for me is more of a stubborn resistance against failure or feeling weak then about bravery and charging head on into danger. I knew that my idea of honor was mine alone and that each mans honor was based on his own beliefs.
So, head on into the shit storm I started, and as I arrived at Fort Hood in route to Iraq my belief in honor amongst soldiers was shattered. Betrayed by my own foolish beliefs of what a man must be to become of great position in the military and betrayed by being one of the most gullible saps you will ever meet(luckily some things can change). With a great amount of my strength of purpose missing I lowered my head, leaned forward, swallowed the pieces of my heart and deployed. Iraq was all I thought it would be. 3 months into deployment on December 26th 2006 the Monkey that I had been carrying on my back for 25 years (I developed my priority list when I was 16) was blown free via an IED strike on my vehicle. As I turned to see my gunner gone limp in his gunners’ seat I feared the worst. At that very moment, at that split second, you could have stopped all the madness going on around me and given me my ticket home. I would have been totally satisfied with my involvement in the war and my debt to my country. But alas, there were 12 more months of hair raising, butt hole tightening road trips through the hell holes of Iraq. I have stated before that a grunts most developed muscle while serving in Iraq is his butt hole. This occurs from tightening it up every time you pass a pile of ruble enter a rotary or kick in a door.
During Iraq my platoon of daring, strong men served with great courage. My gunner had nerves of steel and was quick to PID and fire. He is a man that would charge into battle every day. My driver was on his second tour, experienced and a quick wit. Like an old hunter he could sense the pray and knew of impeding danger. He is an amazing warrior. My dismounts were men of steel nerve. These were men that would leave the relative safety of the armored HMMV and stride into the open, placing themselves between the threat and our LTC. Our LTC was a great leader, a great tactician with huge balls, limited common sense and an inability to relate with the enlisted ranks; and even though they could not connect with this man they would protect him with their lives daily. The men of the Gunfighters Platoon were far more physical and courageous then any group of men I have ever met.
Often in our vehicles we would provide space for guest riders whose butt holes were still under developed. These were men whose turd would still taper at the end. Not like the Soldiers that went out daily, no their but hole was developed, hardened over thousands of repetitions, cringing over and over preparing for the Boom or lethal round that would change their life forever. The men that rolled out daily could cut a turd with the precision of a guillotine. Our guest would put on their man face, hope in the back and ride around while the NCO’s and lower enlisted would do what they did every day like it was a drive to the mall. Most of our guest riders worked in the office daily, developing their careers, fat stomachs or pectorals at the gym in between creating stellar power point presentations.
Here are the meat and potatoes of the story: The last week in Iraq our Battalion was handing out awards like little league after the last game of the year. The most memorable of events for me was held in front of the chapel were less then two months ago I had mourned the loss of two great men. We lost them in an IED strike that was devastatingly accurate. That day the surviving soldiers of that mission made split second decisions in the way you would expect of professional soldiers of honor and courage to do. So as we stood in that awards formation I took note that the front row had been filled with one after the other of the under developed butt hole type. Some of them shifting left to right as if they knew that being placed in the front of the formation that day were so very wrong. Amongst them were some that stood strait and had earned the right to be there and to those men I give no discredit, but as I looked at the backs of the front two rows I noticed the ranks were steeped with every officer in the unit and very, very, very much lacking in enlisted. I felt once again betrayed by what I had believed a man had to be to become of great rank in the military. As my unit awarded officer one after the other with the Bronze Star I raged inside. With military bearing I stood at attention knowing that the men to my left and right and I myself, who had lead soldiers into battle, saved lives and killed the enemy, were looking at the backs of underdeveloped butt holes receiving the Bronze Star. If you are one of the under developed butt holes that allowed yourself to be pinned without speaking up for the brave soldiers that lead men into battle while carting you around in the back seat, You know who you are and what you are about. To all of the other officers that lead myself and other Soldiers into battle with honor and courage, I am forever in debt to you, and I hold you in great regard with a brother’s love. The rest of you while standing in your flashy dress blues with your ill gained trinkets can stick your Bronze Star in your under developed taper factory!
P.S. to the men who delivered pies, you will always be my brothers. GUNFIGHTERS!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Manic Monday?
Q: You have accomplished a difficult task and hear someone else taking the credit. How do you deal with the situation?
A: I tend to get in your face when something like this happens. That makes it a bit of a battle of sorts. So depending on how my relationship is with the superior and the credit thief I change how I will respond. Suffice to say sometimes picking the next battle is the best choice and other times it is an orchestration of many instruments that brings the game to the final crescendo.
Q: If you had to marry someone that you presently know unromantically, and spend the rest of your life as their spouse, who would you choose?
A: well this question was harder to read for me then it will be to answer. I have to wonder though how many currently married spouses would have the courage and ignorance to answer this silly question truthfully. I have had female friends who I have had laughs with and felt good connection with before but none and I can say none would come any way near close to the connection I have with J. That being said it would have to be Dr. Ruth. I am sure she knows some fun tricks and she is a hoot!........Dumb question!
Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now?
A: Yes, I would put all I had into making sure that my children beyond all doubt know how special and great they are. I would give every bit of strength I had into providing a safe a secure home for my wife and children. I would spend every minute she would have me, with my wife so she would know how deeply loved she is. I would reach out to my family and try to connect with them and end the strange dysfunctional relationships we have now. I would chase my priorities and sleep only when I absolutely had too. Basically what I do know just with more urgency......drrrrr.
Q: Are you not living like there is no tomorrow now? If not, why??
A: I tend to get in your face when something like this happens. That makes it a bit of a battle of sorts. So depending on how my relationship is with the superior and the credit thief I change how I will respond. Suffice to say sometimes picking the next battle is the best choice and other times it is an orchestration of many instruments that brings the game to the final crescendo.
Q: If you had to marry someone that you presently know unromantically, and spend the rest of your life as their spouse, who would you choose?
A: well this question was harder to read for me then it will be to answer. I have to wonder though how many currently married spouses would have the courage and ignorance to answer this silly question truthfully. I have had female friends who I have had laughs with and felt good connection with before but none and I can say none would come any way near close to the connection I have with J. That being said it would have to be Dr. Ruth. I am sure she knows some fun tricks and she is a hoot!........Dumb question!
Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now?
A: Yes, I would put all I had into making sure that my children beyond all doubt know how special and great they are. I would give every bit of strength I had into providing a safe a secure home for my wife and children. I would spend every minute she would have me, with my wife so she would know how deeply loved she is. I would reach out to my family and try to connect with them and end the strange dysfunctional relationships we have now. I would chase my priorities and sleep only when I absolutely had too. Basically what I do know just with more urgency......drrrrr.
Q: Are you not living like there is no tomorrow now? If not, why??
Weekend Recap...
So......Some times there is no weekend and this is one of those weeks. In the field you go from Tuesday to Monday without there being any significance to the names of the days. Our days are more to the tune of Training day 1-17. So on training day 10 we decided to run off to Vegas and marry life. Life is a wonderful and enjoyable spouse when you unite and work as one. At 0930 we went to the on post car rental spot and rented a Mazda CX-7; it's fun car but not so good on gas. Then we started the long trip off post. To get off post you drive a very long strait road, about 25 minutes to get off Army property then to get to the interstate is another 20 minutes. Then it is about 2 hours to Vegas. Along the way you pass small outcroppings of casinos, nothing spectacular. Then out of the stone rises Vegas. We walked and marveled and walked some more. We walked into the Paris casino and got comped a free drink right off the bat! Well long story short we had allot of fun just being free and people watching. Unfortunately when we started back we received a call from a somewhat angry senior officer and first sergeant who were adamant that we had secretly left without permission. Well by the next day that was all figured out and they both apologized. Good times..... Training day 11 I left the barracks early to head to the rec-center to get away from the feet smelling, open bay barracks we are staying in. At the rec-center is were I get online and connect with the real world. So after three movies and figuring out the blog thing my day was over. Not all that exciting but it can't all be a honeymoon!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Am I loosing it?
Have you ever had enough quiet, alone time that you started to wonder if you were loosing it? Life at home (in garrison) provides for very little free time for self analyzing. When you enter the military however you are placed in a multi tier lifestyle. At home your life develops a definite schedule. Alarm at 0545, kids up at 0600, shower, shave, feed, entertain the dogs, clean, and kids to school at 0710. Work, then lunch, and then more work. Kids home at 1600, get the kids started on homework, get the kids back to homework, walk the dogs, dinner at 1830, long walk with your spouse, get ready for bed, and maybe, if you both are in alignment with each other, some time for love sharing, then sleep.
A soldier has a much different life. The U.S. military has been claimed to be so successful because war is chaos and the military trains in chaos every day. For OPSEC reasons I wont get into exact schedules but suffice to say it is something like this: rise at O dark thirty, cram a quick shower in, sometimes in an open bay shower with other less then comfortable men, PT (if your are not in the field or deployed), chow then work. Work, this is where it gets dicey. In the military you work hard. You put limb and life on the line. However when the allotted work is complete or if for some reason chaos creeps in and spoils the plans, then you are simply put S.O.L.
Good news is on occasion you are released for the rest of the day. The reality is the military is a 24/7 job and you can be and will be called to work at every hour of the day. So you get released because you have earned it. I earned a few days of being released by working every day for 14 months in Iraq. So when I, like every other soldier, hear the word dismissed, I can not help but feel my spirits lifted. If like most senior soldiers your spouse is working and your kids need new shoes, again! More often then not it is the forth step from formation you take, after hearing the golden word dismissed, that you realize Your love is committed to her work and you are way to mature to cash out the family account and drink the loneliness away. So here comes the multi tier lifestyle, the silent, alone, introspective life. The life most soldiers learn to drink to excess to get away from. Problem is once you have matured, married, and started a family, you stop spending every cent to avoid hearing your thoughts.
So…….You think……it is quiet and you think more. I have been over my life hundreds of times now. So many times in fact that at times I wonder if I am in that Ground Hog Day life. Nothing ever changes and nothing in the past is ever rectified or improved upon. Nothing! No mater how many times you go over your choices, rerun events or try to rethink what you would have done, the past stays, it is consistent, and in the quiet it is persistent.
So the question is….Am I loosing it? Why else would I use so much time to look back and analyze, re-analyze, and try to understand the outcomes of the past only to conclude that nothing changes that has already been. Of course I wish to be the best I can be and in the past lay's the great choices and not so great ones that will forge my future.
I guess the good news is that for the vast majority of our life we make the right choices. We do good things, we love, and we live. I bet 99% of the time we are correct in our choices, respectable, kind and thoughtful. Why is it then that when I am in the field, when it is quiet, when I am away from my love, and too mature to drink myself to a stupor that I spend so much time thinking about the 1%? Am I Loosing IT??
A soldier has a much different life. The U.S. military has been claimed to be so successful because war is chaos and the military trains in chaos every day. For OPSEC reasons I wont get into exact schedules but suffice to say it is something like this: rise at O dark thirty, cram a quick shower in, sometimes in an open bay shower with other less then comfortable men, PT (if your are not in the field or deployed), chow then work. Work, this is where it gets dicey. In the military you work hard. You put limb and life on the line. However when the allotted work is complete or if for some reason chaos creeps in and spoils the plans, then you are simply put S.O.L.
Good news is on occasion you are released for the rest of the day. The reality is the military is a 24/7 job and you can be and will be called to work at every hour of the day. So you get released because you have earned it. I earned a few days of being released by working every day for 14 months in Iraq. So when I, like every other soldier, hear the word dismissed, I can not help but feel my spirits lifted. If like most senior soldiers your spouse is working and your kids need new shoes, again! More often then not it is the forth step from formation you take, after hearing the golden word dismissed, that you realize Your love is committed to her work and you are way to mature to cash out the family account and drink the loneliness away. So here comes the multi tier lifestyle, the silent, alone, introspective life. The life most soldiers learn to drink to excess to get away from. Problem is once you have matured, married, and started a family, you stop spending every cent to avoid hearing your thoughts.
So…….You think……it is quiet and you think more. I have been over my life hundreds of times now. So many times in fact that at times I wonder if I am in that Ground Hog Day life. Nothing ever changes and nothing in the past is ever rectified or improved upon. Nothing! No mater how many times you go over your choices, rerun events or try to rethink what you would have done, the past stays, it is consistent, and in the quiet it is persistent.
So the question is….Am I loosing it? Why else would I use so much time to look back and analyze, re-analyze, and try to understand the outcomes of the past only to conclude that nothing changes that has already been. Of course I wish to be the best I can be and in the past lay's the great choices and not so great ones that will forge my future.
I guess the good news is that for the vast majority of our life we make the right choices. We do good things, we love, and we live. I bet 99% of the time we are correct in our choices, respectable, kind and thoughtful. Why is it then that when I am in the field, when it is quiet, when I am away from my love, and too mature to drink myself to a stupor that I spend so much time thinking about the 1%? Am I Loosing IT??
Friday, May 30, 2008
Me Second!
Well don't laugh too hard but my first blog was accidental deleted. It was a great one too!
Hopefully this blogging thing doesn't just come off as a presumptuous, self indulging, weak attempt at being insightful.
So life has presented me the opportunity to meet many great people and most for far to short of time. I want to thank J's friend T. For giving J the blogger fever. Hopefully this forum will allow me to write down to board what bounces through my head when I settle enough to think one steady thought.
J and I have talked some about life changing moments, so occasionally I think I will write about them. Trying to keep them in chronological order should be fun. Some LCM are just to hard to write and will be skipped, for now anyway. One of the first LCM I can recollect is back when we lived in Nebraska. As a boy I was alive, and adventurous, a grade A student and unfortunately frightened. My father had a temper and we were spanked fairly hard. I remember when my parents divorced my life was torn out from under me. My grades plummeted and I went from alive and frightened to plan old frightened. I was alone in my mind and had no one to rely on for strength and support. We were moving to Maine and it was the end of the school year. (I think it was a last ditch effort to save the family, but Mom has never said so.) Our final grades had been handed out and I was supporting a C average in everything except math. In math I had a strong f+. As i stood in the hall sulking and tearing up my sister Kat came to get me to walk home. When she saw me there she asked what had happened. I told her about my grade and began to cry. She didn't hesitate as she grabbed my hand in full stride she pulled me too the math teachers room. I didn't know what to say I was afraid. I was afraid that she was so mad that if I spoke she would tear me apart! She left me just outside the door and marched into my math room....into His world. I can't remember all that she said, but I know she told him what would happen to me if we moved and I had a failing grade in math for the year. She then told him what he was going to do to fix the problem. I remember him saying words like yes and I will and I am sorry. I remember Him sounding afraid of my 14'ish year old sister. After she finished talking he called me in and gave me a new grade. I passed with a D- and a new found strength. There was someone there watching my back and willing to step up for me. I was in awe of the great strength and courage of my sister. I had learned one of the secrets of the female gender. I had learned of the strength of a sister... I do think at that moment, I learned of how much more powerful women can be then men. Now, I think as we men beat our chest, rally our spirit and charge into battles with hot courage pulsing in our veins; that a mans’ very being lies in the strength of the women in our lives and that often our drive, courage and meaning lies in the loving strength we find lying caressed gently in their arms.
I've been at this too long today. After screwing up the layout three times and then deleting my first blog, I am finished. Have a great day people!
Hopefully this blogging thing doesn't just come off as a presumptuous, self indulging, weak attempt at being insightful.
So life has presented me the opportunity to meet many great people and most for far to short of time. I want to thank J's friend T. For giving J the blogger fever. Hopefully this forum will allow me to write down to board what bounces through my head when I settle enough to think one steady thought.
J and I have talked some about life changing moments, so occasionally I think I will write about them. Trying to keep them in chronological order should be fun. Some LCM are just to hard to write and will be skipped, for now anyway. One of the first LCM I can recollect is back when we lived in Nebraska. As a boy I was alive, and adventurous, a grade A student and unfortunately frightened. My father had a temper and we were spanked fairly hard. I remember when my parents divorced my life was torn out from under me. My grades plummeted and I went from alive and frightened to plan old frightened. I was alone in my mind and had no one to rely on for strength and support. We were moving to Maine and it was the end of the school year. (I think it was a last ditch effort to save the family, but Mom has never said so.) Our final grades had been handed out and I was supporting a C average in everything except math. In math I had a strong f+. As i stood in the hall sulking and tearing up my sister Kat came to get me to walk home. When she saw me there she asked what had happened. I told her about my grade and began to cry. She didn't hesitate as she grabbed my hand in full stride she pulled me too the math teachers room. I didn't know what to say I was afraid. I was afraid that she was so mad that if I spoke she would tear me apart! She left me just outside the door and marched into my math room....into His world. I can't remember all that she said, but I know she told him what would happen to me if we moved and I had a failing grade in math for the year. She then told him what he was going to do to fix the problem. I remember him saying words like yes and I will and I am sorry. I remember Him sounding afraid of my 14'ish year old sister. After she finished talking he called me in and gave me a new grade. I passed with a D- and a new found strength. There was someone there watching my back and willing to step up for me. I was in awe of the great strength and courage of my sister. I had learned one of the secrets of the female gender. I had learned of the strength of a sister... I do think at that moment, I learned of how much more powerful women can be then men. Now, I think as we men beat our chest, rally our spirit and charge into battles with hot courage pulsing in our veins; that a mans’ very being lies in the strength of the women in our lives and that often our drive, courage and meaning lies in the loving strength we find lying caressed gently in their arms.
I've been at this too long today. After screwing up the layout three times and then deleting my first blog, I am finished. Have a great day people!
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